When you get pregnant, its only natural to assume that that pregnancy will last nine months. A lot of planning goes into that nine month time frame; when to enroll in birthing classes, when to have a baby shower, when to go out on maternity leave, etc.
So, needless to say, when my baby was born eight weeks early I had a lot of plans that needed changing. I was 5 weeks into my 12 week birthing class. I had not yet trained my replacement for work. I didn't even have my baby shower yet.
Kendall Grace Jensen was born August 19, 2009 because of a premature rupture of the membranes. It's actually more common that I originally thought. I was in the hospital a grand total of three days. Kendall, however, stayed a day short of 4 weeks.
My plan was to have a water birth sometime in the beginning of October at the hospital in my hometown. Because of the premature labor, I did not get the birth experience I was planning. Not only did I have to deal with the loneliness of leaving my new baby in the hospital, I had to overcome feelings of guilt and helplessness.
I couldn't help think that this situation was somehow my fault. I felt betrayed by my own body and blamed the early labor on a combination of stress and certain physicalities. I felt guilty that Chris had to deal with all the stress as well; especially since the idea of having a baby was largely a result of MY hormonal timeclock.
Leaving your baby in the hospital for someone else to take care of gives you such a feeling of helplessness. Kendall was hooked up to so many different machines, I felt my role as a mother was taken over nurses and doctors. I knew I couldn't give her the specialized care she needed and that was one of the most painful things about the whole experience.
Kendall is now home and so beautiful and healthy. If it weren't for the attention and care of the hospital staff and nurses I don't even want to think about where Kendall would be right now. I am so happy to be able to now bond with her and love her. Although it was not the experience I was planning for, it was still an experience; and one I will savor always.
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2 comments:
Nothing like a change of plans to remind us we are not in control. Thankfully, it is usually in these times we actually remember that while we are not in control....we are still being "held". May God continue to bless you all! You did all you could to prepare and be the best mom ever. That is one purpose God gave you as a mom and you succeeded. Don't ever forget that!(many other purposes will develope as God wants you to know them)!
Beautifully written Mandy. Being a mother is the most wonderful, rewarding, challenging ventures ever. I love it. It gave me purpose and direction in my life. I am so blessed. Thank you for sharing your story.
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